hot dogs & Dr. Pepper

Opening Day was fun, but the truth is, I sat in that stadium full of people all by myself.  I rode there with friends but I spent the day alone.  Because I had no one who was there with Sally.  No one who came explicitly to be with me.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the people I was with.  I love them dearly and they love me.  There’s no question about that.  But I still felt all alone.

photo courtesy TheBusyBrain

I needed a friend who won’t go to the bathroom without you.  A friend who’ll tell you when you’ve got mustard from the hot dog on your face.  Or a guy who knows what you want to drink at the concession stand and will go stand in line and miss part of the game to get it for you.  Yeah, there were women there who would’ve walked to the bathroom with me and guys who would’ve bought drinks for me if I’d asked them to.  But there was nobody who would just do it without me having to ask.  Nobody who would do it because that’s just what people who are deeply connected do.

I’ve had a few brief moments of feeling that connection with someone in my life, but they’ve been rare.  And I’ve always doubted that it was real.  That the feeling was reciprocated.  Sometimes it was real and I just didn’t believe in myself enough to receive it.  Sometimes it was real and it scared me so that I ran from it.  Sometimes it wasn’t real, but I was so starved for connection, that it felt good and fooled me into believing it was real.

I don’t want to miss out on any more holy connections because I don’t believe I’m worth it.  I don’t want to miss out because I’m afraid.  And I don’t want to lose any more time making real connections by investing in false ones that will never fill those deepest places of my heart.

I’m tired of mustard on my face.  And I want a guy who knows I drink Dr. Pepper.

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11 Comments Add yours

  1. Summer says:

    You know, Dr Pepper will be in Heaven…I’ll betcha Jesus would even head over to the concession stand and get you one while we participate in the ultimate 7th inning stretch! And of course, since it’s Heaven, the Rangers will beat the Yankees every.single.time!

  2. Tara says:

    Moments. A few brief moments. But, isn’t life made up of a string of brief moments; moments, in which our soul needs to be wanted, validated, desired, appreciated, and accepted.

    We all desire to be loved, to be the most important person to somebody, to be emotionally and physically embraced, to be desired simply for who we are.

    Isn’t it amazing how you can be constantly surrounded by people and still be all alone. Traveling with friends, sitting in church, celebrating holidays with family, watching a movie, all the while surrounded yet completely soulfully isolated, alone. Finding ourselves watching those people who are deeply connected and longing for that holy intimacy, for that security, for that completeness.

    Like you, I’ve had a few brief moments, and like you they have been rare. I grew up believing those moments would be my daily life and still find myself surprised that they are not. But not just surprised, hurt and disappointed and sad. But I am where I am because of choices I’ve made and fears that caused me to run and truths that came to pass.

    As much as I want that, and I do so very much, I’m terrified to have it. Terrified to the point that time has allowed me to push friends away and disguise inappropriate relationships as genuine.

    So, I too order my own food.

    And I am so very thankful for dogs.

    1. sallygary says:

      Thanks for sharing your heart, Tara. I’m thankful for dogs, too.

  3. PeggyCorder says:

    Sally, I have had that connection……in fact I have had that connection that has grown deeper over 40 years. I am sorry you have not had it consistently. I pray you find it consistently because it is special. I realize how special it is and after reading your post, I want to be more thankful for that connection and not take it for granted. I too thank you for being the special lady you are, friend and follower of Christ! Keep looking! He has done amazing things through you and will continue to, I am certain!

    1. sallygary says:

      Thanks, Peggy. Sure missin’ me some Corders! Say hi to Beaumont for me.

  4. laura says:

    No period in Dr Pepper.

    OK, I’ve taken off the editor hat now. This post reminds me of a chat I had with a friend the other night …

  5. Katherine says:

    Oh my goodness, friend…I can relate to this in more ways that I can count, or want to. I have very much longed for this connection most of my life, and also have yet to really find it. I have had moments, like you, where I feel like I have that deep connection, but never consistently. Being such a relational person as I am, this has continued to be my biggest challenge and desire.

    This has been even more amplified as I live and virtually serve alone in a foreign country. Oh, how I long and need the deep connections a community, a best friend, a boyfriend, shoot…even a dog brings! 😉 I hope I never ever take for granted again the beauty of what those deep connections and community brings. It truly is a rich blessing!

    All that to say, I can relate…and I pray you find that connection like you have never known before. You are an amazing lady, Sally Gary and I know God is doing and will continue to do even greater things through you!!

    1. Katherine says:

      Oh, and…pass the Dr. Pepper!! 😉

      1. sallygary says:

        With Sonic ice, right?! Thanks, Katherine

  6. Jim Trietsch says:

    Sally, thanks for being vulnerable. I know that’s difficult and I know others who can truly understand what you feel from an emotional level. I pray that you can find that connection.

    1. sallygary says:

      Thanks for responding, Jim – that means a lot to me.

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