Twenty years ago today I did something I swore I’d never do.
I shared the deepest, seemingly darkest, dirtiest secret of my life. I shared a part of myself that up until that point in time I had sworn to keep secret to my grave. And yet I couldn’t keep quiet any longer.
So on March 26, 2003, I stood up in Moody Coliseum on the campus of Abilene Christian University and came out to the combined chapel audience of 5,000 faculty and students.
“At the height of the AIDS crisis when so many of our sons and brothers were dying, having been kicked out of families and ostracized from churches – this church was different.
…Because their preacher was different.”
“Because it’s about a baby and his imperfect family, it’s a story we can relate to. But it’s more – it’s about a God who chose to become … one of us.”
It occurred to me driving on the ice that it would be so easy to just veer off the road, go through the guard rails and down into the ravine, hoping the car would just roll over and over and that I wouldn’t survive that tumble. Then I would never have to acknowledge that I was attracted to women. Never have to hurt and embarrass my family. Never have to experience the deep shame – deeper than I had already felt for years – of coming out to friends.
For the past year we’ve been preparing to move my nearly 91 year old dad into an independent living facility close to where I live. We’ve been going through my parents’ belongings, pulling boxes from underneath beds, emptying closets, and retrieving treasures from the attic. My parents didn’t have a large home – but they…
“Truth is, coming to see things differently has happened for me over a lifetime. A lifetime of being deeply involved in a faith community that values Scripture and is committed to following Jesus.” High hopes, indeed.
“…we found common ground to bind us together. Not our sexuality, because our stories are all different. What united us is Jesus.”
Hearing friends talk about their kids who are in their senior year of high school right now tears me up. First it’s missing school, which is not so bad at first, but then spring concerts and plays are called off and finally, the biggie – no senior prom. Nobody knows yet if it will extend…
“In the years following World War II, polls found the only thing Americans feared more than polio was nuclear war.” But we have a heritage of overcoming fear…
“I couldn’t very well tell my story without including Abilene, so you’ll see familiar sights from around town, as well as a few faces of people you’ll recognize. I spent some of the most formative years of my life here, as a college student, as a high school teacher, and as a college professor in the city of Abilene.”
You’re a cancer survivor until you’re not. Once you’re declared to be in remission, or the scans show you’re cancer free, you’re known as a cancer survivor. I’ve been a cancer survivor since last year, showing no signs of the disease anywhere in my body. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t think about it….
When I was growing up we listened to Paul Harvey’s radio show while riding in the car. He was famous for telling stories about people and events that were fairly well known, only he would add a portion of the story that wasn’t as well known. It was always something that made the story even…
Some amazing things happened over this past weekend. For the first time in my life I baptized someone in front of the entire congregation on a Sunday morning. I’d been privileged to baptize someone on two other occasions, but it was at another time, with just a small group of people gathered, so this was…
I’m a child of the ‘60s and ‘70s and if I had children, they would undoubtedly know the music of that era. They’d know Carole King and Carly Simon, James Taylor, the Eagles, Chicago, the Doobie Brothers, the Bee Gees, and Three Dog Night. And unlike this college freshman in my fundamentals of communication class…
Today I begin radiation. While they tell me it’s the easiest part of the cancer treatment, for some reason it’s made me feel more vulnerable than anything else I’ve been through. Last week I had to go in twice to let them take x-rays and mark me up so they’ll know the exact spot to…
Last week I had a lizard crawling around in my house. First I spotted him on the screen in front of my fireplace, which leads me to believe that he either crawled in through, or fell down the chimney, and landed in my fireplace. Rather than slinking through the space between the brick and the…
The other day I took a long look in the mirror and realized I only have one eyelash on my left eye. Like a horn protruding out of the middle of my eyelid, lone and unapologetic, proud to have survived six rounds of chemotherapy intact. I have six or seven eyelashes on my right eye….
Rob Bell said “me, too,” are the two most powerful words in the English language. I’ve watched those words trend on social media in the last two days, as friends have revealed that they have been sexually assaulted, or subjected to sexual harassment. One of the questions asked, often used to discount the person’s story,…
This past Sunday morning I drove to church and parked in my usual spot. I walked down the grassy slope, entered the building through the east door and walked around to the elevator. After stopping to talk to a friend – standing during the whole conversation, I’ll have you know – I got on the…
I learned to shoot a BB gun before I ever started school. I was five years old. My grandpa was a hunter and he taught my cousins and me to shoot crows in the backyard and the adjacent field behind their house. Papa taught us how to pour the BBs in, how to aim and…
In a few hours I’m scheduled for surgery, an operation I’ve known was coming since last April. Compared to many procedures to remove cancerous tumors, mine will be relatively simple. Over the last few months I’ve had a lot of time to ponder the types of cancer I could’ve been diagnosed with – cancers that…
Lots of emotions as I watch the news about Hurricane Harvey and the subsequent flooding in south Texas. I’m especially saddened for friends in the Houston area, wondering what, if anything, will be left of their homes when they’re able to return. As sad as I was watching the news, I couldn’t help but think…
For the last week or so I’ve been reading posts on social media about friends taking their sons and daughters to college for the first time. Last Sunday our preacher introduced a family who was traveling from Singapore to bring their son to begin college in the U.S. When they stood up, the whole church…
When I started first grade at the elementary school near my house, my mom started teaching second grade at a school across town. Since I didn’t have to be at school as early as my mom did, she arranged for me to stay with a family down the street before and after school. Every morning…
When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer and learned I would go through chemotherapy, I had a certain set of expectations. After all, I had seen movies like 50/50 and The Bucket List. I had friends who had gone through chemo treatments who told me about the side effects they experienced, like Nausea and…
I haven’t always been good about making my bed in the morning. In fact, for much of my life I thought it was a complete waste of time, since I was just going to get right back in it that night. No one was likely to see it, I thought, so why go to the…
Tonight I’ll be watching “A Capitol Fourth” on PBS. It’s what I’ve done every year that I didn’t care to fight the crowds and the heat and the mosquitos to watch a local fireworks display. The year I got to see it in person will always be special, but maybe even more so this year….
“So how did you discover your cancer?” That’s a question I’ve been asked lately. When you tell people you have breast cancer, most people assume it showed up on a mammogram. Mine didn’t. And neither did many of the tumors in other breast cancer survivors I’ve been talking to. I found mine by scratching. Thank…
Nearly every day after school my mom had errands to run. In addition to the usual runs to the grocery store, the pharmacy, the dry cleaners, any number of bakeries, and of course, Gibson’s Discount Center, we also made regular visits to two different card shops in town. Depending on where our other errands took…
From the first two rounds of chemotherapy I’ve been through, I’ve learned that what everyone says about it is true. For starters, it’s unpredictable. I can’t stand that. Just no predicting how it’s going to affect you, my doctor said. No predicting when the side effects will begin or subside. Everyone’s reaction is different. And…
It’s been nearly a month ago since I got my hair cut. A short haircut, for the first time in seven years. Shorter than I’ve ever worn it. Even shorter than the pixie cut my mother thought would look cute on me in first grade. Shorter than when I cut my hair to look like…
Even fewer puppies than children are planned, wanted, created purposely with the intent of bringing joy into our lives. But you were, Chester. You were planned and wanted and you brought me great joy. One night after a dinner I’d hosted for some of my college students at my house, one of my students, Tucker,…
This past Tuesday I had my first round of chemotherapy and for days before, I kept remembering the time my aunt had to take me to the doctor. I was seven or eight years old and I’d gone to spend a couple of weeks at her house, like I usually did in the summers. My…
This morning the oncologist’s nurse is supposed to call to tell me when I begin chemo. They’ve been waiting to get approval from the insurance company. I won’t say anymore about what I think of all that. I’m just ready to get on with it. I think. Worse than waiting is not knowing what to…
The oncologist ordered more tests – more blood work, an echo cardiogram, and a PET scan – after my initial visit a couple of weeks ago. The PET scan was the only test I hadn’t been through before, but I knew it was similar to an MRI, only with radioactive dye injected into your veins…
So the first procedure I had to go in for was a breast MRI. I’ve had MRIs before. Lie on your back, fold your arms over your chest, close your eyes and talk to yourself for 45 minutes to an hour. Talk to God, talk to yourself, just don’t raise your hand to scratch. First,…
The first time I ever heard the word, “cancer,” I was seven years old and my grandfather had it in his stomach. By the time the Archer County Hospital doctor found it, there was nothing anyone could’ve done in 1969. So my Papa died of stomach cancer in the early spring when I was in…
A couple of weeks ago I was told that I have breast cancer. I’ve had some time now to process that diagnosis, to learn more about the type of cancer I have and the course of treatment I’ll pursue, and that’s helpful. Having at least an idea of what to expect is always better than…
Looking back I realize we watched a lot of television when I was growing up, because I remember characters on TV as well as I remember the people I interacted with in real life. Maybe it was because television was still so new, still a novelty to my parents who were older when it first…
One year my birthday fell on a Sunday and at the age of ten, I had no idea what trouble my mother went to to pull off what I asked for that year. I wanted to eat Sunday dinner at home. I was tired at eating at Luby’s. I asked my mother to fry chicken…
Six years ago my world was very different. On this day six years ago I received a phone call I won’t ever forget. I could take you to the exact spot where I dropped to my knees and wept as my dad’s voice came over the phone. “Sally, Joe Rex has been killed in a…
Sometimes it’s the simplest moments – the seemingly insignificant events of an ordinary day – that make all the difference in our lives. Like the day in high school when my friend Carolyn asked me to compete in a speech tournament. “Hey, Sally,” she said. “We need somebody to do impromptu speaking at the Old…
When we started to have some warmer days awhile back, one afternoon while I was letting Chester outside, I noticed something on my patio that I didn’t expect. You see, last year I bought a lily for Easter. They were selling them at my church in honor of those who had passed away during the…
About this time last year, my cousin, Andy, brought a couple of guys with him to help move my parents into an assisted living facility. They left early so the guys could get back home in the same day. I’d been secretly packing things the week before, not wanting to disturb my ailing mother, both…
The sense of taste, so they say, is almost as powerful a memory trigger as the sense of smell. So last Friday night when I put the first bite in my mouth, I was instantly taken back. The smooth texture of the not-too-sweet cream cheese frosting, chock full of pecans. The crunch of carrots mixed…
I love watching the CBS evening news. Especially the last story of the broadcast, because it features somebody doing something good in the world. Like those guys who changed my tire last week when I had a blowout on Interstate 30, just outside of downtown Dallas. Fortunately, not long after I ran over whatever it…
One year I saved up all my money to buy a cake for Mama on Mother’s Day. I’d had my eye on these cakes shaped like flower pots since early spring, when they first started making them at The Cake Box bakery. The Cake Box was where Mama always took me after I got my…
a 'peace' of my mind.... 